I’m So Very Normal
About ten years or so ago, in my forties (yes, I’m old- in my fifties), my husband was self-reflecting and reading a book on ADD. In doing so, he took a quiz and found that he was not ADD, but thought that perhaps I should take a look at this book. It might be of interest. Hmmm.
In taking this unscientific quiz, I found myself checking “yes” to many of the questions. Whaaaaaaat? Me? I don’t have problems listening to lectures, tracking movies, following directions, etc. I can focus ffor really long periods of time. I can sit still during long, boring classes. How could I possibly be ADD? This is messed up. But wait…
Maybe I’m Just a Little Bit ADD
In the years that passed, I sometimes reflected on some components of my life and suspected that I might have a touch of ADD. You know- a little bit. I didn’t really dig any deeper. I wasn’t shy about sharing my suspicions with others, after all, I didn’t have a lot of problems that other don’t have. I might be just a little ADD.
Don’t You Experience This Too?
Fast forward to this last year. I’m an elementary teacher, and I was discussing how to better use class time with another teacher friend who is a task management goddess. When I mentioned that time starts and stops, you know, is flexible, her eyes popped wide open. The expression on her face clearly showed that she was trying to cover up the “WTH did you just say?” thoughts that were racing through her mind. She then calmly asked me to explain what I meant.
I proceeded to tell her that time gets away from me and that it sometimes speeds up. Other times it slow down, and I squeeze tasks into that space. Many times it stands still, especially when I’m engaged in a task. I clearly baffled her, and she was fascinated by this. She had never heard it before.
This was my first big clue that other people don’t experience time the same way. I always kinda thought that it was how everybody perceived the passage of time, but I just did it a little more than others. In other words, I thought that I was just a little ADDish, not completely different than other people in a major way. How naive I was back then.
We discussed this for awhile, and she later asked me to speak to the school staff about how I experience time and how it affects my life. She thought that it could help other teachers understand how some of our students take in the world. I very willingly agreed to speak. They are all supportive colleagues and friends- what could possibly go wrong? Oh. My. God. I didn’t realize then that I would be opening Pandora’s box and that I would want to stuff it all back in afterwards.
My Big Reveal… Crickets
To make a long story short, I did tell a very small part of my time-perception reality at a staff meeting, and I was completely shocked by the reaction that I received from my teaching colleagues. Everyone was fantastically respectful and attentive, and that was actually part of the surprise. I went into this speech feeling that others would relate to what I was saying and that they would signal their agreement by nodding their heads in agreement. You know, they get it. They do it too.
I was completely unprepared for their silent, yet respectful stares. The room was filled with the screaming sound of utter silence. Their eyes were all staring at me, no one was doodling or working on their chromebooks like usual. Mouths were agape, revealing their utter disbelief. You know the feeling, like when someone announces something too intimate, personal, or painful.
My kind, supportive principal had a look of sheer pain on her face, like this was information that was too dysfunctional and intimate to be shared. She was literally looking away, grimacing. Another teacher, who I consider to be a good friend was visibly shaking his head. The quiet and the expressions CLEARLY stated What the hell are you talking about? and This is the most messed up thing I have ever heard. Mistakes were made. I immediately regret my decision. Retreat, retreat.
They Honestly Had Never Heard This
Now, I’m not exaggerating or being overly sensitive here. Case in point: afterwards, other teachers told me how powerful, surprising, brave, baffling, helpful, etc. my little talk was. Time and again, they told me how they had never heard of such a thing and couldn’t believe that I could even be a teacher with this kind of disability. That one kinda hurt, I must admit.
In case it appears that I am exaggerating, my task-management goddess friend agreed that the staff really had freaked out, respectfully of course. Again, it was very obvious that I was very much the minority and that I my explanation of time had blown their minds. They had never heard anyone explain this to them, obviously. They also don’t perceive time this way, at all, not even a little bit.
The Epiphany
This did NOT go down as I had expected. I did not, I mean not, prepare for this type of reaction. I honestly, after 53 years of life, did not know just how messed up I am. This was a real epiphany for me: my thinking is very different than most other people’s thinking, and in a very fundamental way. No, they did NOT know what I meant. Gut punch.
That night, I cried and cried. I felt that I had obviously overshared. The entire incident seemed like I had opened my proverbial kimono and exposed myself to my peers. Would my principal see me as fundamentally flawed from now on? Would she now view me as incompetent? Would my colleagues now pity me or see me as incompetent? What had I done? I take it back, I take it back. Forget I ever said this. Epic failure.
The Idea Begins to Take Shape
It took a few days and self-talks to work through the raw emotions and vulnerability that I felt. Eventually, I started to heal. Gradually, I concluded that if a small sample of society has no idea of how my brain works, that many, many, other people in the world don’t have this information either. Hence, this blogging seed was planted in my mind.
So over spring break, I began researching in earnest, and I didn’t find any website that explained what it is like to intake the most basic facets of life in this dysfunctional manner. I started my quest focusing primarily on time management difficulties. Only a few people, in comments on Reddit, were able to shed light on this topic. An aside, however, is that I did find literally volumes of hateful comments about jerks who don’t care about others. Judgers droned on about how to “fix” all of us Tryhards, and we frustrated the Emps (That’s legit.). They genuinely wanted to know why we can’t just leave ten minutes earlier for events.
During the course of that week, I decided to start my personal journey for real. I began reading books, taking quizzes, reading online, and seriously examining myself-perceptions, thinking patterns, dysfunctional paradigms, you name it. It was the beginning of an emotional struggle with myself, the start of a quest to permanently change the dysfunctional paradigms and behaviors in my life, and to help others like me and those who love them. I’m bound and determined to be on time and be a responsible adult.
So Here We Are
It still hurts a bit to admit it, but I really truly have ADD (not just a little, either). Maybe I can help you. Maybe those of you who share my disability can help others too. Additionally, it would be so cool if those of you who live with us could provide some ideas of how to keep your sanity. Let’s go on the adventure together, starting today.